This Halloween, don’t just have diabetes. Be diabetes.
Every year, at the very last second, I scour the internet for a Halloween costume that will blow my friends and coworkers away. No, I’m not going to be Harambe. No, I’m not going to be Ken Bone. No, I’m not going to be a Pineapple … again.
But what if for this year … I was … (wait for it …)
DIABETES!
Yep, that’s right. This year, I’m going to steal the show with the best disguise of all time. All these years, diabetes thought it had me, but nope, this year, I’m going to rock it like Lady Gaga rocked that egg thingy she rode down the red carpet of the Grammys in 2011.
But how, you might ask, will I dress as diabetes? It’s going to be a piece of sugar-free cake.
Here’s how it’s gonna go down…
When I get to my Halloween party, I’m just going to putter around quietly and peacefully, not really bothering anyone. But about 20 minutes after I eat something and have a cocktail, the magic will really start to happen. For every other person that talks to me, I’m just going to throw a ridiculous amount of shade at them, not responding to anything they say. Glaring stubbornly, burning a hole in their soul. For the other half of people that talk to me, I’m going to yell directly back into their faces. Loud noises! Blabbering and hollering. LALALA, I can’t hear you! All while laughing maniacally at my mysterious, mischievous behavior.
About two hours later, I’m going to dramatically wiggle down to the floor. But before I go all the way down, I’m going to dump water all over my face, neck and the backs of my knees so it looks like I’m sweating profusely. Then I’ll just going to lay there, floppin’ around like Ronaldo, sizzlin’ like bacon. Don’t forget, I’ll be shouting alarming things like “We’re goin down!” and “FEED ME” and “Beep! Beep! Beep!” incessantly, until everyone around me is freaking the heck out and staring at me like they’ve invited a literal tornado to their party.
And finally, my pièce de résistance will be popping up off the floor, seemingly leveled-out as a functioning, predictable person again, until I spontaneously reset my routine and do it alllllllll over again. I will take all the bowls of candy out on display and dump them on the floor, and then refill them with sugar-free Haribo gummy bears… all while rubbing my hands together like an evil villain, waiting for the laxatives to sweep the party by storm. Hope there’s enough toilet paper for you all, muahahahahaaaa.
This is going. To be. Awesome.
Read Freaky Friday—A Day Without Diabetes by Libby Russell.
